so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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