Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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