he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
