We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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