I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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