somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dear god my vagina.
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