4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
