My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
