i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
