Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
