What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
