Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I can't put those talents on a resume
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
