from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
