God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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