roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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