you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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