I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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