T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
