this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
