hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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