why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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