He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
