just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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