hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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