remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
