so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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