That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
