remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
