Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
and you fell through a lawn chair
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
