my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
