I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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