Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
