I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She needs sedatives and a leash
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
