We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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