On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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