Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Randomize
