I just pynch a tree in the face
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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