how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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