What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
