Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize