I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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