every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
