More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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