I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
