Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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