Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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