There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
