Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
