you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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