Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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