i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
