Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
