I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
