I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize