Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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