If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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