I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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