Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
